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2007-08 Per 36 Minute Averages: 15.0 PTS, 7.3 REB, 1.6 AST, 0.0 BLK, 0.3 STL, 2.5 TO 2007-08 Advanced Stats: .520 TS%, 12.0 TRB%, 10.3 PER These profiles will feature nine players on the Raptors' roster that I have been able to evaluate from previous performance. For explanation of the stat lines, check out my primers on Per 36 Minutes Averages, TS%, TRB% and PER. Report from Graham Industries on Basketball Android Model J03Y-01 a.k.a. "Joey-bot". Joey-bot was created by Graham Industries as a prototype designed with all the attributes of the ultimate basketball player as well as the intimidating appearance of "Panthro" from the original Thundercats cartoon series. In initial testing, Joey-bot's speed, strength and leaping ability were measured to be far superior than most top-level basketball players. After reasonably successful beta testing at Oklahoma State University, Joey-bot became the first android drafted into the National Basketball Association (NBA) when the Toronto Raptors (presumably named after the red-shouldered hawks native to Southern Ontario) selected him in the 2005 NBA Draft. Early on, it became clear that Joey-bot's extraordinary physical attributes did not translate into success at the highest level of professional basketball. Occasional feats of super-human performance were mostly overshadowed by faulty Artificial Intelligence. Joey-bot displayed an unfortunate inability to think independently and make correct decisions in response to his surrounding environment. This poor decision-making did not respond to repeated software upgrades and manifested in descreased playing time for Joey-bot in his second and third NBA seasons. As it became increasingly clear that the Joey-bot experiment would be a failure in the NBA, Toronto Raptors President Bryan Colangelo reportedly tried to arrange a trade of Joey-bot to another team in return for a pair of Segway vehicles for himself and his assistant. Further investigation revealed that the best return offer was a used Acer laptop and a stack of non-rewritable blank DVDs. In conclusion, while Joey-bot stands as a landmark achievement in sports android technology, it appears unlikely that it will be able to show the necessary improvement to sustain a lengthy NBA career. As a result, Graham Industries will immediately cease further development on Joey-bot in order to focus its resources on the second version of its basketball android, which will be codenamed "Stephen-bot". |
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